A preacher, who shall we say was “humor impaired,” attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry. Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers.

One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd’s attention, said, “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn’t my wife!” The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, “And that woman was my mother!” – The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided he’d give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!” The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, “…and I can’t remember who she was!”

1) Let’s Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game – God
2) C’mon Over And Bring The Kids – God
3) What Part of “Thou Shalt Not…” Didn’t You Understand? – God
4) We Need To Talk – God
5) Keep Using My Name in Vain And I’ll Make Rush Hour Longer! – God
6) Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage – God
7) That “Love Thy Neighbour” Thing, I Meant It. – God
8) I Love You…I Love You…I Love You… – God
9) Will The Road You’re On Get You To My Place? – God
10) Follow Me. – God
11) Big Bang Theory? You’ve Got To Be Kidding. – God
12) My Way Is The Highway. – God
13) Need Directions? – God
14) You Think It’s Hot Here? – God
15) Tell The Kids I Love Them. – God
16) Need a Marriage Counselor? I’m Available. – God
17) Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test! – God

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by. She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”

God replies, I didn’t recognize you.”