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March 16th, 2009

Jesus Saves

Jesus Saves and makes backups

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer. This had been going on for days and God said, “Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job.”

So down they sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused away. They did spreadsheets, they wrote reports, they sent faxes, they sent out e-mail, they sent out e-mail with attachments, they downloaded, they did some genealogy reports, they made cards, they did every known job.

But just a few minutes before the two hours were up, a lightning bolt flashed across the sky. The thunder rolled and the rains came down hard. And of course the electricity went off.

Satan was furious. He fumed and fussed and he ranted and raved. All to no avail. The electricity stayed off.

But after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.

Satan screamed, “I lost it all when the power went off! What am I going to do? What happened to Jesus’ work?”

Jesus just sat and smiled.

Again Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done.

As Jesus turned his computer back on, the screen glowed and when he pushed “print,” it was all there.

“How did he do it?” Satan asked.

God smiled and said, “Jesus Saves.”

March 12th, 2009

If God decided to install Voice Mail

voicemail

Most of us have now learned to live with voice mail as a necessary part of our lives.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like if God decided to install voice mail?

—————————————–

Imagine praying and hearing the following…

Thank you for calling heaven.
For English press 1
For Spanish press 2
For all other languages, press 3

Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for request
Press 2 for thanksgiving
Press 3 for complaints
Press 4 for all others

I am sorry, all our Angels and Saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to :
God, press 1
Jesus, press 2
Holy spirit, press 3

To find a loved one that has been assigned to heaven press 5, then enter his social security # followed by the pound sign. (If you receive a negative response, please hang up and dial area code (666)

For reservations to heaven, please enter JOHN followed by the numbers, 3 16.

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, life and other planets, please wait until you arrive in heaven for the specifics.

Our computers show that you have already been prayed for today, please hang up and call again tomorrow.

The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.

Thank you and have a heavenly day.

December 17th, 2008

Joke : Christmas Drink

Christmas Drink

Two days before Christmas Jimmy set-off in his minibus to collect a batch of open prison inmates. His mission, as usual, was to take them for their radiation treatment at a nearby hospital.

Since it was Christmas, one of the 12 offered to buy Jimmy a drink. So they stopped off at the Rose and Crown pub, and all had a nice drink. On the way out Jimmy detoured to the gents, when he came out of the loo, all the prisoners had disappeared.

He looked in all the pub’s bars, drove around for half an hour, no sign of the inmates. They had all made their escape.

What could Jimmy do? Thinking quickly, he braked at a particularly long bus queue, and told the waiting people that he was a relief bus. Where-upon he picked up the first 12 and drove them to the open prison.

He then radioed ahead to the warders giving a ‘Code Yellow’ message. This was a pre-arranged signal that some of the prisoners were playing up. Jimmy unloaded his passengers, he then beat a hasty retreat.

Amazingly, his trick wasn’t discovered until the New Year.

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